In the back of my childhood Bible there is an index of sorts. A place where, when in need of a specialy inspiring and relevant topic, one can find where to find things in the Bible. It has such categories as: when friendships fail, financial losses, and doubting God. It doesn't have a section of what to read when the church sucks. Yep, I've checked it twice - there is no suck-factor remedies listed in my Bible.

I could pull an Old Testament segment out of the Bible, - about rebuilding the temple, worship rituals, or evan a psalm of frustration -but at this point it would only seem trite and contrived. I have such mixed emotions. I love God, the United Methodist Church, my church in Toccoa, and my friends (my church). Why do I feel such animosity towards the church?

My church in Kane was a wonderful place. I had great friends, great support, and wonderful role-models. I never heard the message of a saving love of Christ there. I guess this is a pretty big downfall. It was a social club. The sermons were good, the music exceptional, and the community great - but, it was a social club. Sure, I learned a good bit of the Bible, all about morality, and how to be a good person. I still like these teachings - but they weren't Christ.

I had a time when I went to all of the churches in town. My dad was always afraid that this would negatively affect my image in town as a good Christian. A good Christian - ha! I realized that every church in town was the same as mine. None of the churches brought Christ to the people.

I stayed in church - probably out of a sense of duty, and perhaps becuase I thought I could change things. I went to annual conference. I amended the budget from the floor of conference. I love the United Methodist church becuase I think that it can change things. It can get it's act together and really reach the people with the message of Christ. I still have hope.

My church in Toccoa is reaching out to people. It follows the homogeneous Unit principle (people like going to church with people that are just like them) to a T ... and there are no black, poor, or immigrant people in a church in an area that has all of these things. Yes, it's rich and white. Yes, but, it also reaches out with Christ's love. My pastor called me to make sure I was still doing alright this afternoon (I had called him for prayer this morning.) My Sunday School class (in the 40s -60s it was called the "pairs and spares" class ... now everyone is over 70 and the name doesn't seem appropriate -it's called the Charles Trogdon Wesley class, now.) sent me a card thanking me for showing up.

At Camp Glisson, over the summer, I saw Christ's church in some incredible ways. So very formative to me were those experiences that I will never forget them. Never. I love that image of church - of the girl who struggles with eating disorders praying over and crying with the gay kid who is experiencing Christ's love for the first time. How beautiful is God's love.

I have all of these things on my wall in my dorm room. A painting and pictures from Glisson; pictures of the pipe organ from Kane First, pictures of Becka and Mandy at the church Easter Egg hunt; the card from my Sunday School class, and the scripture verse from Sunday at Toccoa First; and pictures of family, nature, and friends - the church in so many ways. So many forms. In the center is a picture Rebecca's best roomate painted for me. It is abstract at best - and I'm sure there is no intentional hidden meaning - but, to me it has so much meaning.

It is a color war - every color represented - and quite unsettling to the eyes, but a flower and it's roots are growing out from off to a side. I believe that out of the war of fighting sects, denominations, views, arguments, and churches that love is waiting in the wings to grow into something beautiful. The flower isn't fully formed in the painting - there's so much more root than flower - but, it offers hope. So much hope. I still have hope for the church.