I read about people in Islamic cultures who give up everything to follow Jesus and I just think, "Oh hell, I can't even give up Coke to save my life." (literally - Rachel has put my friend John and I on a Soda free diet. We are both currently going through pretty severe withdrawal.)

Rachel is Jewish culturally ... but her friends are Jewish religiously. I don't want to seem like I'm coming in to change everything ... but that's exactly what a missionary does. I don't know if I can do that for the rest of my life. For the next few decades I will be; coming from a country that can't give up hummers and hamburgers to feed the homeless, going to countries that have a number of religions and religious conflicts anyways, and trying to change the hearts of a few toward Jesus.

It scares me to think about that. At my school we always talk about the fact that our number one goal is to find out how Jesus has revealed Himself in a native culture and to move from there; to only change the things that are strictly against scripture. We also always talk about the fact that missionaries are not "super spiritual" Christians - we're people ... struggling to stay afloat in a culture other than our own that a few might hear the good news.

That scares me. I don't feel like I'm a "good enough" Christian to serve as a missionary. I understand the fatally flawed logic behind that statement, but I can't shake the feeling's presence. I feel like I would panic overseas and instead of living out my faith in a loving way I would go overboard and freak out and try and change the culture to fit my own.

It doesn't help that I'm uber cynical about Christians and Christianity. It doesn't help that I have no faith left of my own and I'm only holding on by the faith of others. It doesn't help that the message I am hearing from Christians around me is that doubt is of the devil.

Is it okay for my faith to hang freely from my doubts? Can they be one and the same?