I'm embarrased to label myself a Christian. I'm embarrased to lump myself in with the people who hand out tracks, the pastors who yell at their congregations, and the televangelists. I want to put a real face on Christianity, but I find only failure in my footprints.

I'm beginning to see that failure is often the greatest source of freedom. I've opened my life to a lot of people. I've let them see the bruising and the scarring. I've loved them fiercely and unapologetically. I have shared my love of the savior with them. But ... it hurts. It isn't fun. It's emotionally draining and ... deep down, at the end of the day, I do want something to be about me. I feel like I give and give and give and I have nothing to show for it.

I preach a gospel of grace and forgiveness and those who hear only hear that they can be slutty and get forgiven. I love openly and people discard me. I live honestly and people condemn me. I know this is where I should be, but it brakes my heart all the same.

Some days I have enough passion to change the world - other days I don't have enough passion to get out of bed. I lack self-control.

... Last year I had a person tell me that although i am a liberal I could still get into heaven, but I could never hear "well done thou good and faithful servant." It broke my heart. My heart is still broken by his comment. I feel that I am doing so much good - and it makes me so sad that good Christian people don't see that.

I feel like I'm right where I should be. I feel like a failure for God. I watched Les Mis last night. I realized that the only thing scarier than losing your life is not having a cause worth losing your life for. I feel like a failure for God, but I'm oddly okay with that. God knows my heart.