An Addendum

This is from one of those "not quite Christian enough for the CCM industry" bands from the 90's - but I think the lyrics say a lot about faith and self-righteousness - and doubt:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfEzfQnNMQM



Violent Blue


Hey, don't I know you from some other life?
you were wide-eyed and green and a little bit taller
and you didn't look away when spoken to

Do you still take two sugars?
you seem a little tense
and I can't help but notice how hard you appear
when I look into your eyes

a violent blue


Was it sudden? was it clean?
were there a lot of shades in between?


Step away
let off
throw it down
and lose yourself

Hey, are you in there?
or don't you recall when the perfume of belief was all we needed
it was all we needed to set our sights
So when did you throw out the rest of the world
deaf from the din of your self-righteous babble?
I think you've been blinded
by your own light

Was it hatred? was it pride?
or did you just have a lot to hide?


Come away
throw down
let it burn
and lose yourself


Passion
to ashes
to smouldering ruins
are you in there?
are you in there?


Am I boring you?
I could say more
we were destined for somewhere
but that was before you traded in your peace sign for a finger

And I don't believe it's the way you were raised
or the cards you were dealt
or a poor self-image
I think you love yourself too much


You want to rule some sovereign state?
you want to smother in all that hate?

Get away
lay down
strip it off
and lose yourself

Call Me Saint Bill...

Too much we're taught that doubt is the opposite of faith - that "real" Christians never experience doubt.

Faith is born in doubt.

Every so often I think just how ludicrous this whole faith thing really seems.

Think about it - we trust some unseen presence to forgive us of sins that that unseen presence imposed on us to begin with - and we have to completely surrender...and...and...what about blood? I mean, why does someone else have to die for me? And what about...what about the miraculous? Huh? Where's MY miracle? And...well, there's a bunch of stuff that in my dark days I think to myself, "This can't possibly even be true."

And yet out of those moments faith blossoms.

Because I struggle with this great Truth that has been handed on to us. And I struggle with what it really means to follow Christ. And, God help me, I struggle with sin. Of course I'm in good company, right? "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." And still I wonder...and still I have doubts...

Doubt is not the opposite of faith. Yeah, we're taught it is. We have Doubting Thomas to beat up on. But, in the end, he falls to his knees and he's the first of the Twelve to confess that Jesus really is God - "My Lord, and My God!" And, man, there's another thing I can't wrap my head around...God - three in one - what? How?

Doubt is not the opposite of faith.

Tennyson wrote, "Faith lives in honest doubt."

Anne Lamott wrote in an article a couple years ago,

"The opposite of faith is not doubt: It is certainty. It is madness. You can tell you have created God in your own image when it turns out that he or she hates all the same people you do. The first holy truth in God 101 is that men and women of true faith have always had to accept the mystery of God's identity and love and ways."

(here - though the quote may also appear in her book Traveling Mercies).

Certianty is the opposite of faith.

Faith is born in doubt.

If that's so, go ahead and call me Saint Bill...'cause I'm deep in the dark of doubt right now...

Time had an interesting article on Mother Teresa this week. Her collected letters and confessions was recently released to the public, and it occasionally shows a glimpse of spiritual darkness - sometimes a prolonged spiritual darkness.

The author of the article didn't get it. He (or she) worked from the assumption that for a saint to doubt is wrong. That assumption is wrong. Mother Teresa would never have become a saint if she hadn't doubted. It is in the valleys of faith that we grow in Christian character.

American Christians assume that if they have doubt they are failing God. We assume that if we dont' feel like we are growing it is time to switch churches. We believe that the valleys are sub-Christian. We think that being in the valley, the desert place, for any extended period of time reflects poorly on us as Christians. We hold that the mountain top is where the Christian life should be lived. If we aren't smiling we aren't saved. If we can't answer passerby's inquiries with "rejoicing in the Lord" we have failed to grasp the joy that He brings.

All of these assumptions are wrong. It is in the darkness of doubt that our faith becomes real. It is in stagnant swamp of mediocrity that we find our lack of control and need to surrender all. It is in the valley that we learn what it truly means to be a Christian. It is when we want to anser a "how you doin'?" with a "my life sucks" that we embrace honesty.

Mother Teresa didn't have extraordinary doubt. Mother Teresa had extraordinary honesty. If the American church could embrace the honesty that woman held, we too could share our stories of doubt and grief. We too could become saints boldly following Jesus.

Labelmaker

I guess I'd be Post-Evangelical - though I'm not sure I'd use the term here in Northwestern PA. Liberal, Conservative, Evangelical, Emerging, Christian, Believer, Seeker, whatever... Not sure labels are all that helpful anymore. We live in such a polarized culture that saying "Post Evangelical" around here is like saying "Foaming at the Mouth Liberal" - though that's not what I would mean by it - nor would that be an acceptable definition...

Say Republican or Democrat and you're suddenly a stereotype. Christian, Postmodern, Evangelical (or, worse, Evangelistic)... it's all about cliche and common (mis)conception...

Oh well.

I have the least systematic theology of anybody that I know - yet I know who I believe...who I trust...where my hope is... I'll continue to screw up the details...

C.S. Lewis allegedly said that Grace is the one thing that separates the Christian faith from all other religions. I'm banking on Grace...

So - call me... Grace.

Confessions of a Post-evangelical

I have made a long journey to the place that I find myself. I was always afraid to deny evangelicalism. I felt that if I did that I would have to deny Christ as well. I have realized that I can leave evangelicalism and find Christ.

Salvation isn't the end. It isn't about getting people saved. Numbers don't matter. It's about disciples. Converts never matter unless they are trained to change the world.

Politics are increasingly unimportant. Liberal/conservative divides are exactly that - divides. They are not of Christ. I'm still a liberal, but it's secondary.

You will never argue a person into the Kingdom. Life is about dialogue. Meeting people where they are. Taking them where God leads.

Acceptance of all Christians' thoughts, opinions, theologies, and beliefs. I don't have it all together. Neither does anyone else. How dare I judge someone's deeply held beliefs just because I don't hold them myself.

I'm changing in my faith and beliefs. I'm pretty sure it's in the right direction.

Party inthe Kingdom...

Sometimes is has to be about me. But it isn't ALL about me, right. I'm sick and tired of both it's only about me and God and it's only about how we love other people and God. It's about us and God, right? And we all screw it up pretty badly. My liberal friends are all wrong. My conservative friends are all wrong. And lest you think me arrogant, I am all wrong, too.

"I feel like a failure for God, but I'm oddly okay with that."

Me too. Every day.

Welcome to the Kingdom of God: failures, sinners, broken people, the uncertain, the uncaring, the unloved and the unloving... We're all coming into the Kingdom.

Suppose a guy gave a party for his son and when it came time for everyone to come, nobody showed up? Oh, they all had excuses. I got a new car and I'm giving it a test drive. Oh I have stuff to do.

So the guy says, "Let's invite the people who never get to go to a party. Let's invite the ugly and the nerdy and the smelly and the not too smart. Let's fill this place with people who will be happy they're at the party."

I didn't deserve the invite, but I'm glad I'm there...and I'm glad you are too...

I'm embarrased to label myself a Christian. I'm embarrased to lump myself in with the people who hand out tracks, the pastors who yell at their congregations, and the televangelists. I want to put a real face on Christianity, but I find only failure in my footprints.

I'm beginning to see that failure is often the greatest source of freedom. I've opened my life to a lot of people. I've let them see the bruising and the scarring. I've loved them fiercely and unapologetically. I have shared my love of the savior with them. But ... it hurts. It isn't fun. It's emotionally draining and ... deep down, at the end of the day, I do want something to be about me. I feel like I give and give and give and I have nothing to show for it.

I preach a gospel of grace and forgiveness and those who hear only hear that they can be slutty and get forgiven. I love openly and people discard me. I live honestly and people condemn me. I know this is where I should be, but it brakes my heart all the same.

Some days I have enough passion to change the world - other days I don't have enough passion to get out of bed. I lack self-control.

... Last year I had a person tell me that although i am a liberal I could still get into heaven, but I could never hear "well done thou good and faithful servant." It broke my heart. My heart is still broken by his comment. I feel that I am doing so much good - and it makes me so sad that good Christian people don't see that.

I feel like I'm right where I should be. I feel like a failure for God. I watched Les Mis last night. I realized that the only thing scarier than losing your life is not having a cause worth losing your life for. I feel like a failure for God, but I'm oddly okay with that. God knows my heart.

On the Kingdom of Me...

Hey Michael,

What did you find in Russia and India that confirmed to you, "Yep, I am called to be a missionary." You know it isn't something you sit down one day and say, "Gee, I'd like to travel. Hey, I know, I'll become a missionary." It's something, somehow, that God puts on your heart and you respond to.

(Oh - I'll respond to the whole culturally Jewish/religiously Jewish thing later...this is more important to me right now).

I'm pretty sure that what you're "uber cynical" about is not really Christians and Christianity (though I may be wrong) but how we've twisted and broken the truth of the Kingdom of God into the kingdom of me.

I'm also pretty sure that if you go to Africa or India or wherever else God leads you, what you will find is a tiny base of people really living out their faith - really loving like God loves - really trying to live in this great mystery that we call faith. Yes, you'll go to villages, regions, heck - nations - that have no Church to speak of - and you'll share the truth of the Gospel - which has nothing at all to do with drinking or not drinking Coke - and everything to do with inviting people into your life and letting them see that the love of God is your guiding principle - AND that you don't live it out perfectly. The last thing anybody needs to see is somebody so spiritually arrogant to think that they really have all their...um...stuff together.

We're too conditioned to McDonalds here - everything is for convienence - even our faith. It's packaged neatly into hour long increments - woe be to the worship leader/Bible study teacher/whoever who goes over that sacred hour mark. But what you'll see in much of the rest of the world is people for whom faith is an everyday reality. Yes, many of those people will have faith in other gods, but I think there's something to be learned from the dedication of a muslim or a hindu or a buddist - of their faithfulness to what they believe in. Be inspired by that to be committed more to the image of Christ (which, again has nothing to do with doing/not doing this or that - but has everything to do with forming that relationship - praying, reading, writing, thinking about, living in love... - with Christ). But don't beat yourself up that you're not there yet. Who of us is?

My favorite Christian in the world was Mother Teresa. Here's a quote from her Nobel Prize lecture (yep, this is something she said when she won the Nobel Prize for being, well, basically the most perfect human being on earth):

The poor are very wonderful people. One evening we went out and we picked up four people from the street. And one of them was in a most terrible condition - and I told the Sisters: You take care of the other three, I take of this one that looked worse. So I did for her all that my love can do. I put her in bed, and there was such a beautiful smile on her face. She took hold of my hand, as she said one word only: Thank you - and she died.

I could not help but examine my conscience before her, and I asked what would I say if I was in her place. And my answer was very simple. I would have tried to draw a little attention to myself, I would have said I am hungry, that I am dying, I am cold, I am in pain, or something, but she gave me much more - she gave me her grateful love. And she died with a smile on her face.

She never really did have her...stuff...together, but she knew deeply the love of God in Christ and she lived it - in every moment that she could. And she still screwed it up sometimes. But she never really claimed to have it all together - just that she knew the One who does. That's Kingdom of God - not kingdom of me - stuff.

Stop trying to be legalistic about...well...anything. Have a Coke (sorry Rachel), read the Gospel of John (or your favorite) and fall in love with Jesus again.

I read about people in Islamic cultures who give up everything to follow Jesus and I just think, "Oh hell, I can't even give up Coke to save my life." (literally - Rachel has put my friend John and I on a Soda free diet. We are both currently going through pretty severe withdrawal.)

Rachel is Jewish culturally ... but her friends are Jewish religiously. I don't want to seem like I'm coming in to change everything ... but that's exactly what a missionary does. I don't know if I can do that for the rest of my life. For the next few decades I will be; coming from a country that can't give up hummers and hamburgers to feed the homeless, going to countries that have a number of religions and religious conflicts anyways, and trying to change the hearts of a few toward Jesus.

It scares me to think about that. At my school we always talk about the fact that our number one goal is to find out how Jesus has revealed Himself in a native culture and to move from there; to only change the things that are strictly against scripture. We also always talk about the fact that missionaries are not "super spiritual" Christians - we're people ... struggling to stay afloat in a culture other than our own that a few might hear the good news.

That scares me. I don't feel like I'm a "good enough" Christian to serve as a missionary. I understand the fatally flawed logic behind that statement, but I can't shake the feeling's presence. I feel like I would panic overseas and instead of living out my faith in a loving way I would go overboard and freak out and try and change the culture to fit my own.

It doesn't help that I'm uber cynical about Christians and Christianity. It doesn't help that I have no faith left of my own and I'm only holding on by the faith of others. It doesn't help that the message I am hearing from Christians around me is that doubt is of the devil.

Is it okay for my faith to hang freely from my doubts? Can they be one and the same?

Vikings4Jesus

I have so many questions...not for you, Michael...so many questions about faith and God... No answers for so many of them, either.

Like: Why blood? I mean, if salvation could come any way you want it to (and if you are the creator of all that is) then why not water? I mean, why does something have do die? Why does God have to die?

Or: If God is Almighty, why did the Jewish people keep getting wiped out?

and on and on and on...

So, your friends are happy being Jewish. That just sounds so strange to me. I'm happy being half Swedish...um... Should I be on the lookout for Vikings4Jesus?

I don't think anybody loses their cultural identity by coming to Christ anymore - unless we're introducing people to a different Jesus. Time was that you had to embrace Western European culture to be a Christian. Not so, anymore...I think...I hope...

Are your friends Jewish by culture or by faith? There's a huge difference. Jews by faith can become Chrsitians by faith and retain pretty much all of their traditions and history. I know a number of Christians who celebrate the Jewish holidays faithfully. You can live a life that upholds the Torah and still be a Christian. What we're talking about here is having a relationship with Jesus. He doesn't ask you to wear a cross or put up a Christmas tree - He asks you to trust Him with your life. No culture, just a changed heart. "Just" - as if that's easy. But we can chuck the church services and the bumper stickers and the worship CDs and live our lives honoring the Messiah - Jesus. And I know that Messiah is a culturally loaded word, too.

Okay - I got interrupted and lost my train of thought...

Here's the thing. I don't think you have to take on a whole new cultural identity (per se) to be a Christian. You take on a whole new being. And there may be things from your past that you will find you want to change - and isn't that what sin and redemption are really about anyway?

Jews4Jesus. Lemme ask you - why were your friends so upset? What is it about being Jewish that they really like? How would coming to saving faith in Jesus change that?

So...

Here's fodder for the conversation:

"Your concept of salvation can't be bigger than your concept of sin."

The Michael Prayer ... I like that.

I was out with my friends in downtown St. Louis the other night. We were having a fun time just chilling. My friends here are mostly jewish. There were people on every street handing out tracts. The tracts were being handed out by Jews 4 Jesus. My friends were really upset.

I'm going through one of my weird phases. The one where I can't decide if I really want to be a missionary. I don't want to convert any of my friends here. They are really happy being Jewish. If I were to convert them they would lose their cultural identity. I love my friends and I want them to be happy. It's just that their happy being Jewish.

I still believe all of the things that I always have. I still believe that Jesus is the way the truth and the life. I can't get around that. I justify my thoughts by saying that I want to give everyone the oppertunity to respond to the gospel. But, it feels less than real.

I'm really confused by church right now. I feel like I need a vacation from Jesus. Is that normal?

Spider Pig...for no reason whatsoever...

Must...not...take...the...bait....

D'oh!!!

Once saved always saved? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What does that even mean? So, I say the sinner's prayer and then I can go ahead and live my life like nothing has changed?

Once married always married? Um...

Once breathing always breathing? Uh...

Once 19 always 19? Duh...

One of my favorite lines from Paul is "thieves...quit stealing..." heh. Yeah, I know that I'm supposed to do everything I do to honor God, and since I'm a thief, well, I'll steal to the very best of my ability, to God be the glory, and I'll give God ten percent...um...

Is it more about relationship?

I've been offline for almost a month - yet Michael and I have relationship. We are friends. I don't hesitate to tell people about my good friend Michael and all the cool stuff going on in his life. Yet, we haven't had a "real" conversation in, like, a year or something...

It's not like I said the "Michael prayer" one fine day (heh - what would that sound like?) and then never talked to him again - or read his blog posts - or whatever... Relationship is interactive (even at this great distance) and interdependent. It's not something I just claim and then hold on to.

You know - I've "hung out with" Superchic[k] and Whitecross and Scott Krippayne (for those who don't know - these are Christian bands and a Christian artist - oh, and by "hung out with" I mean drove to the airport/hotel/set up and tore down equipment with...heh...) but I can't really call them my friends. I could have 1700 friends on MySpace (heh, I think I have 8) but how many really are?

Oh well...took the bait....

SPIDER PIG

SPIDER PIG

Does whatever a SPIDER PIG does

Can he swing

From a web

No he cant

He's a pig

LOOK OOOUUUTTT!!!!

He is a SPIDER PIG!!

Bill Beatty might be dead. There has been no blog activity for an extended period of time. That ... or ... he could be spending more time with his wife and kids. I'll keep y'all updated if I find out either way.

If you're still there, Bill. Once saved always saved? Go.